Snatched

Snatched

Rating: 0.5/4

Twitter review: Next Mother’s Day, I’ll take my wife to a better film. Like Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2. Or just about any other film other than this.

Spoiler-free review: It had been a long time since I was able to go to the movies, and even longer since I was able to go with someone else. This past Sunday being Mother’s Day, I treated my wife out to dinner and a movie. The only problem was ‘which movie?’ There weren’t that many choices I felt she would enjoy, so I opted to go with her to this movie, thinking that I could tolerate a chick flick (and in fairness, some of them are very good; a couple of favorite movies of mine include When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless In Seattle. Those are not the typical chick flicks, but you [hopefully] get my point). After seeing this movie, I was lucky not to have to sleep on the couch (okay, that’s an over-exaggeration, but really, I should try looking for different films next time).

Snatched stars Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer as two people I hope I never have to meet. The mother, Linda, is obsessed about safety and her kids, hardly going out at night after having been ditched by her husband many years ago (if she acted like this back then, I can guess why the husband left her). The daughter, Emily, is not only vain, but also clueless about a lot of stuff. We’re introduced to her as she’s chatting up someone in a clothing store, trying out different outfits, while she’s supposed to be filling the racks and the other person is a complete stranger looking to buy clothing. After getting fired and then subsequently dumped by her rock-star boyfriend (who, even though he looks and sounds like he’s constantly high on drugs, has sense enough to know that Emily is a loser), she then confesses to her mother that the trip she was going to take to Ecuador with her boyfriend is non-refundable. Having seen pictures of her mom when she was younger who actually travelled, she convinces mom to go with her to Ecuador. Once there, they wind up eventually getting kidnapped and ransomed. Then it’s a matter of trying to escape, while Emily’s even more annoying brother Jeffrey and a couple of weirdos from the hotel pool (Joan Cusack and Wanda Sykes, both of whom apparently were desperate for the payday) try saving them.

The thing is, this film has a LOT of problems with it. All the characters in it are annoying (Jeffrey especially) without much if anything to allow you to relate to them. The plot itself has more holes than a pound of Swiss cheese. And the directing is just dreadful. There were far too many scenes that just ended abruptly. But the worst sin of all is that there were almost no laughs in this film (okay, there were a few girls giggling through the film, but I’m assuming they would laugh at someone dumping a cup of coke over someone else’s head). I counted two times that I actually found funny in the film. Goldie Hawn has had her day, but if all she can get are films like this, she should just quit. As for Amy Schumer, she can better stick to stand-up. At least there, anyone who actually pays to hear her crack jokes knows what they’re subjecting themselves to.

Spolier-filled review: One of the main plot points – if you can call it that – of this film is that Linda and Emily are kidnapped by a gang led by this guy named Morgado. The beginning of the film gives the impression that Linda and Emily will wreak havoc on their kidnappers. But other than Emily accidentally killing two people close to Morgado – his nephew and his son – not much else happens. Too much of the film is spent with mother and daughter yelling at each other. And by the end of the film, when Morgado catches up with them again (with no explanation how Morgado was able to keep finding them), Morgado starts choking Emily before getting distracted by Linda who then uses a dog whistle to have a dog attack Morgado (don’t ask). I think it says something about the characters in the filn, and the fact that Morgado was the only one played with any sense of actual acting, that I was inwardly rooting for him to kill Emiily. Yeesh.

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